I know that I shouldn't question God and his reasons for not revealing himself to me like that, but I always think that it is my fault. I will try to just lay on the floor and meditate on Christ and let him speak, but I get so mad when I feel like he isn't trying. I have begun to see that my relationship with Christ is different than other people. I just can't quite put my finger on how. And I am not sure if it is something that I need to work on, or if God just decided to do things a little different with me, because I have a different mind and heart.
The one vision that God gave me was about a year ago. I was just sitting on my couch, thinking about nothing much when suddenly people started to appear in the room around me. I often have people over for movie nights or game nights, and it looked very similar to this. People were laughing and having a good time. Then one of my friends, that I had just gotten to know a little bit at the time of the vision, got up with a hurting look in his eye and went into the other room. As I went into the other room I saw him pulling out a syringe to inject drugs into his arm. I was shocked and scared, but I went closer to him. He saw me, but the tears were flowing down his face, and he did not try to hide or push me away. I sat down close to him and he leaned into my lap and I flung my arms around him and began to pray. It was the sort of prayer that could not be said with so many words, but I felt the spirit speaking for me with groans (Romans 8:26). As I sat there praying, tears were flowing down my face and when I opened my eyes again I was alone. But I had walked into the other room and was sitting on that couch.
After this happened I asked God what it was all about. Was it a revelation about what was going on in this guys life? Or was God showing me the kind of people he wanted me to minister to? Was it just so that God would get my attention and was trying to get me to be aware of the situations of the people around me? I still don't exactly know, but I assumed that it was all 3 of these options. I immediately texted the guy to ask him if he was all right. He was confused by my sudden concern, but seemed to be fine. Then I rewrote my mission statement. I have always tried to figure out where God wanted to use me, because I want to go everywhere and do everything, but I need to figure out God's specific calling so that my ministry is not spread so far that it is too shallow. My mission statement became this; The purpose of Emily Troe is to prayerfully and lovingly use my creative gifts and abilities to convey the gospel of Jesus Christ to those who have rejected or been rejected by the church.
That may seem unrelated to the vision, but the part of my mission statement that changed was the people I was serving. I have always had a heart for the drug users, the prostitutes, the people who the church tends to look down on. And this vision made me realize how much I had a heart for the people who were such outcasts from the church. As I continue on with my ministry, I see some things I want to change in my mission statement, but right now I am not focusing on that.
One other time that I know for sure that God spoke to me was on a mission trip in San Diego. We were all in our sleeping bags ready for bed, when I looked over and saw one of my best friends with her face in her hands crying. Her Bible was in front laying out in front of her and I didn't think much of it, because I thought God was speaking to her heart through the Bible. Then as I am laying there I hear God tell me to go hold her. I refused, I said, "no, if I was crying, I would just want everyone to leave me alone. Plus, there are a ton of girls here that are the comforting ones, I don't really do that." So I pushed that away and closed my eyes again, but God again told me to go and hold her. I just tried to get it out of my head, and I peeked to see if anyone else was going to her. They weren't. And one last time God says, "Emily! Go hold that girl!" It was a little more stern, but I reluctantly unzipped my sleeping bag and went over to her. I don't know why I sat the way i did, but I sat to the side of her, but faced her, and used my legs as a base and I wrapped my arms around her to hold her. She continued to cry for awhile, and I contented myself with sitting there and saying nothing. Soon after, she sniffed and looked at me. She told me that God was giving her an extremely vivid vision. She was getting spoken to by God, and she told him that she was too weak, and she needed somebody to hold her up, and at that moment I came over to her.
WOW! I was so shocked. I was so thankful that God used me like that, even though I didn't want to at the time. Ever since then, I wanted the kind of vision that she had. But I feel bad wanting that. God chose me to support her, but I questioned why i couldn't be the one that he showed himself to like that. But maybe I am just not as much of a visual person as some people are.
I always thought I was, but during an exercise that we did at church the other day, I am not so sure. What she did was describe a landscape, or a picture and told us to see it in our minds eye, then the picture showed up on the screen. And she said that although we saw something of the sort with the words, we saw more with the actual picture. But I disagreed. When I saw the picture, I was let down. In my head it was much more vivid and lush and realistic, but the picture was just flat. So is that it? God has provided me with such a bright imagination that words can speak to me stronger than they can to other people?
That's why I love reading books like the Chronicles of Narnia. The world that he describes is so vivid and complex and there are so many fascinating creatures and scenes that my imagination just gets to play in that world. I have never understood people's dread for reading, because it has always been so intriguing for my mind.
But I don't know if that is the reason I do not see visions like other people do. How am I supposed to put into print the way God works, and the way he decides to speak to people. I guess I just have to look at every aspect of my life closely and see where God is speaking to me, since he may not speak to me as clearly as I might like.
Well thank you for reading about my thoughts this morning. I think today is my completion of one week of blogging every morning. And I hope that I can continue even when I have to be at work early.
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