A friend of mine told me the other day that I am the girl that every guy falls for at some point. And sure, that seems like a compliment, but I hate it. I have very high standards for a guy. I am not a girl to try to date unless you are seriously looking to make me your wife. Honestly, if I could have it my way, I would never date. The ideal situation would be to have a really close guy friend, that one day would ask me to marry him. Although there would have to be some courtship in there to seek God's guidance and Christian council, but I would really like to avoid the dating scene.
I have been on one date and it went great. But God was using that situation to teach me about relationships. I wanted to have a godly relationship, I have seen so many hurtful relationships and so many sinful relationships that if I was going to get into one it had to glorify God in every way shape and form. So through my short flirtation with a relationship I looked to God and listened. What he told me was that if it was worth it, it could wait. So I told him that we could not look at dating for a few months, just to make sure that it was where God wanted us to bring our relationship. And he agreed, but as that time went by, I soon found out that he was not on the same page as me. He tried to push my boundaries, instead of protect them. So I knew that he was not the guy for me.
Pushing my boundaries the way he did was the big turn off for me. I really liked him, but as soon as he wanted more than I was willing to give him, even though most people would think it was a stupid boundary, he began to scare me. One of my major fears has been romance. When guys try to be intimate with me in some way, I get so scared. I like to be sarcastic and goofy, and when people start getting into my heart like that it is frightening for me.
When I first realized that I had such a fear of being romanced, I was scared that I might never be able to be intimate with a man. But I have become less scared of it the more God has taught me about my fears. And I often am thankful for my fears, because they keep me from going further with a guy than I want to.
I was making up a story yesterday about a princess locked away in a tower with a dragon guarding it. And God said to me, this is you. He explained to me how I was locked in this tower of my fears and this dragon was all my defenses I put up. And there were many men who came to try to fight for me, but they could not slay the dragon. Until one day a knight came and with one swift movement his sword hacked off the dragon's head. He easily climbed the tower and embraced the princess.
He told me that it was okay to have my defenses up and to be frightened, because there was going to be a day that he gave a man the right tools and the strength to fight for me and win his way to my heart. That helped ease my mind. Especially knowing, not only that God was going to send a rescuer, but that he was working on that man, and equipping him.
So yes, that is what God told me last night, that made me feel really loved by him. When he calls me his princess it makes me feel like a little girl getting dressed up in a dress and asking her father if she is a beautiful princess. I don't think girls are ever too old to be told that they are princesses or that they are beautiful. And I think the reason why it has been harder for me to just get into relationships than other people, is because I know that God sees me as his princess. I know that my love is not worthless and it is worth keeping in a tall tower until a worth man comes and saves me.
It makes me sad when women need that relationship so that the man can tell her how great she is, and how much she is worth. Because when he controls that, he controls her. If he makes her feel worthless she wants to prove that she is worth something, so she will go further with him emotionally or physically. When all she needs to know is that she is the daughter of the king and is worth more than she can imagine.
So now I suppose I will get of my princess topic and go back to the dating thing. There are some definite thing that I look for in a potential husband. The first thing is that he has to be a Christian. Not only a Christian, but a passionate lover of Christ. I need a man who is close enough to Christ that he is able to be the spiritual leader for me and our family. Even if I am the one in ministry and he is not, his job is to be the spiritual leader.
The other one is that he has to be passionate about the things he does. I am sick of passive men just going through the motions and not putting their heart and soul into things. I want a guy who is fierce and wild, not just a tame shell of a man. Also I look for someone to be my protector. After my dragon is killed and I am down from my tower, the man needs to be my protector. I want to feel safe with him and feel like even if the zombie apocalypse came, my man would have the strength to protect me.
Another thing is that I hope to find someone who's goals and plans in life don't conflict with mine. Meaning that I really want to go in the mission field for a part of my life, so that means that I would want to marry someone with that passion too, or I guess I could just do that before I got married, whatever God wills. But there are other things, like I want to have a big family, and if he doesn't want kids, then forget about it. I plan on doing theatre ministry and if his job means we have to constantly be moving, how will that effect my ministry? There are just things that need to work together.
I have a long list of specific things I would like to have in a husband, but those are just some basics that are important to me. Basically I want someone similar to my daddy, because he is great.
But the truth is, I am 19. And I don't plan of getting married for another 4-ish years. So yes, I have seen some guys who seem to be husband quality, but we will wait till I am closer to that time to get married. Who knows where I will be, or what I will be doing? Well, God does, and only he knows who I am going to marry. So I will let him worry about that right now. I am glad I am not a guy, I would not like to have to do the pursuing. All I have to do is sit back and wait for God to bring that guy along. But as of now, I am just going to enjoy my singleness and bring God the most glory that i can!
One verse that has kept me strong in not going too far with a guy is Song of Solomon 8:4 "Daughters of Jerusalem, i charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." This verse pops up 3 times in the book in 2:7, 3:5, and then again in 8:4. It is the woman saying this to other women. She is saying waiting is so worth it!!! Don't just give your heart away!
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