psalm 63

I lost the notebook that had some things that I wanted to talk about this morning. I was going to go over some points of being an obsessed Christian, as described in "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. But I guess we will have to do that another time. Today I think I will just do what I do and try to encourage you as readers. I normally am just talking for myself, but maybe it will be better if I talk for you.

Psalm 63

"¹ You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.

² I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
³ Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
⁵ I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

⁶ On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
⁷ Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ I cling to you;
your right hand upholds me.

⁹ Those who want to kill me will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
¹⁰ They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.

¹¹ But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God will glory in him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced."

I am so in awe of God. I think about how easy it is for us to get caught up asking God to come and be with us, when we aren't really doing any seeking. How do we get to a place where we are really longing for God like we would be longing for water in a dessert? The thing about water is that without it, we cannot live too long. And I think we can start viewing God that way when we begin to depend on him. We are so independent. We make sure we have all of our lives in order and we have plans B, C, D, and E if God doesn't pull through for us. Why would God want to do something spectacular in your life if you have back ups if he doesn't work out? He will get so much more glory if you are constantly depending on him and he pulls through every time.

When we start depending on him like that, he becomes like water. And those times when we are feeling distant from God, seeking after him becomes so much more earnest. And it is not making God into your source of life, it is more so realizing that he is your source of life. The reason why I think so many people are not joyful is because they are not letting Christ give them life. And in John 10:10 he promises to give life and give it to the FULL!

Moving on to verse 2, "I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory". Now there were several biblical men in the Bible who had literally seen God and been engulfed in his Glory, but I don't believe David was one of them. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't have the time to look back at that right now. But, when I read this verse, I just imagine David's awe of God. He may not have seen God literally, but he had seen the power of the Lord and he recognized that it belonged to the Lord.

The next verse is one of my favorites "Because your love is better than life, my lips will praise you" (verse 3). Do we tell that to God every time we pray and worship? No, because that is dangerous. If we say that, then we have to live it and it is hard to live with the mentality that his love is better than my life. Our lives are so important to us in our culture specifically. If I am sick, I spend as much money as it takes to find the treatment. We don't put ourselves in situations unless we know it is safe and we have a high chance of getting out alive.

I am so sick of playing it safe, especially as a Christian. If God's love is better than life, doesn't that make it natural to go to the most dangerous parts of the world to share his love? Isn't it natural to share him with friends even though they may leave you for it? I know I have become quite attached to this world, and it is so short. I should be living in God's love and that should be my focus and life should flow naturally from that.

The next few verses go on some more about praising the Lord and being satisfied in him. I wish my satisfaction was in him. I always want to know where I am going next and what road to follow, and I don't have satisfaction until I have a plan. But satisfaction should lie in the Lord and I should just let him lead me.

I have such a problem with how far I am supposed to go and where God will take over. I have attempted creating a whole plan and trusting God would join me in my plan, but it doesn't quite work like that (unless of course your plans are the same as God's). God wants us to join him on his plans, the only problem is that we don't always see his plan. But when our satisfaction lies in the Lord we will tend to follow him more easily.

In verse 6 it talks about thinking about God all through the night. I know, at least fro myself, when I am falling asleep at night, I begin to think about important decisions, people I love, exciting events that are coming up, and things like that. And then in my sleep, my subconscious dreams things that are in the back of my mind. Now when Christ is on your mind all through the night, he is taking up every corner of the mind. He is the thing you can't help but think about when you are drifting to sleep, and your subconscious is full of him in your dreams.

"Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings" (verse 7) You are my help. This is not like santa's little helpers, it isn't a helper with chores, he is not your hired help, God's help is a little different. God's help is a little more like when you are screaming the word help from a pit, hoping that someone can rescue you before you die. He is the ultimate help, delivering us from all sorts of deadly situations. And David had definitely been in many situations of those kind.

Then he puts himself singing in the shadow of God's wings. When you are under someone's wing, they are taking care of you or your protector. And being in the shadow of God's wing is a pretty sturdy place to be standing. And who could keep from singing if you standing in Christ's protection and care? In verse 8 it begins by clinging to the Lord. I imagine small children that when they are scared of something jump into their daddy's arms and do a death grip with their arms and legs. That is the kind of clinging that I imagine David is talking about. And then he says your right hand upholds me, so you are not trying to pull me off and set me back on the ground. You're strength covers me and makes me feel safe.

Verses 9 and 10 are some of my favorites. Those who want to kill me will be destroyed. When I am under the protection of God, anyone who opposes me does not have a chance. God will strike down my enemies and let the jackals eat their flesh. When we are confident that we have this kind of God fighting for us, it becomes so much easier to fight for him, and so much more worth it.

And in verse 11 the glory of the Lord always wins. Everyone who is in the Lord will have a victory while those opposing them will be silenced. And in the end that is exactly what is going to happen. God is going to win, so we need to get as many people as we can fighting on our side so that they may claim victory and not stagger in defeat.

i love you

Yes, It has been 2 days. I worked early and could not seem to wake up... I got out of bed, only to fall asleep on the couch. But never mind that. I will just go into what I have to say this morning.

I love you are 3 words that have been used very often for many different things. It is something that is tossed around, but sometimes it is something that is kept sacred. Our language is unfortunate because love is used as a friendship love, family love, spouse love, and love for activities or objects. It is such a broad term, so how are we supposed to use it.

People often say that the word love is way overused, but I tend to say the action of love is way underdone. Love is so much more than just a word. The reason that it is so overused is because it is not backed by any sort of action most of the time. I tell people that I love them daily. The kind of love that I am most often referring to is the love of Jesus Christ. He has filled me up with so much love that it just spills over onto the people around me. I would never tell someone that I loved them if I did not.

When I tell people that I love them, usually the things packed into those 3 words are these: I feel very blessed that God put you in my life as my friend. I thank God for you and often pray on your behalf. My life has been enriched more by knowing you. Thank you for putting yourself out there for me. I am thinking about you and if you ever need anything at all, feel free to ask me. Because I care so much about you that I am willing to help you at any cost to myself.

That is kind of a rough meaning. I love you is a pretty loaded sentence. I think it has to be if you really want it to mean something. I always feel like people should get what I mean when I tell them I love them and I forget that their meanings may be different than mine. Maybe when I tell them I love them they hear something like.. I want to have your babies... And that may or may not be true. But usually that is not what I mean, and if I do want to have their babies, I will just tell them.

I think it is important for me to get away from saying I love you all the time and start saying some of the things that I really mean by it, because that may get my point across a little bit better. Because who knows what I mean, or if I mean anything at all. I could be just looking for attention of some sort for all they know.

There was a time in my life when I stopped saying I love you to anyone other than my parents and I stopped saying things like, I love puddle jumping or I love tennis. And that was a time where I had to really think through whether or not it was okay for me to use the word as much as I had been. I mean, when I tell my husband I love him, I want him to know the impact of those words. I don't want to say it to him then turn around and say it to his best friend, even though they mean totally different things.

I then decided that I would never be able to stop using those words. I love loving people! Jesus went around loving people all the time, so I should too! I certainly don't think that I would have to say the words I love you to be like Jesus. But I am using that kind of love when I say it. When people ask me what I mean when I tell them I love them, usually my response is somewhere along the lines of; Well, Jesus loves you so freakin much and because he lives in me, I just can't help from loving you like he does.

Now, there are people who are saving the words I love you for their spouses and their families and such. And I respect that so much. Because then the words have a real power. When you say I love you it will be something really meaningful and solid. And I find such a beauty in that. It reminds me of my friend. This friend does not give hugs.... ever. And I love hugs! I hug some people before I know their name. But anyway, I always try to hug this friend and he never lets me. But one day he hugged me and for a second I just stood there thinking nothing of it. But then, when I realized what was happening, I got so excited! It was such a special thing for him to do and I cherish the moment it happened. And that reminds me of what it will be like for the person that saves their I love you's.

I just hope I can bring that same kind of impact and meaning to my "I love you" in my marriage. But I guess there will be a physical exclamation point that was never used before... ;)

If you didn't get that, I was talking about sex. Dear Future Husband, I hope you are reading this cuz that was for you! I might be giving out my words, but my body is all yours hun.

Okay I will stop talking to my future husband so you all stop thinking I am some sort of freak show. I just like to keep talking to my future husband so that I will stay pure for him. I don't want to be distracted by guys who may just come and go. That's why I don't date. It is too easy for me to give my heart away, so I need to be sure that my relationships are god glorifying.

I love you. It seems so simple, but it is so complicated. I just want everyone to know the love of Jesus Christ and that is what I try to portray whether I am saying the words or not. it is not about what I say, but how I show it. If I tell them I love them and then stab them in the back, I am being nothing more than a hypocrite. I want my actions to follow my words and I want to lift them up and make them feel like a part of something bigger.

The reason that I have to say I love you, I think comes from my gift of encouragement. Words are very important to me. I want the things I say always to make people feel loved. I think I love you is the simplest way to do that. But encouraging words always have to come from the soul to be really heard and taken in. And I pray that God gives me whatever words people need to hear to be lifted up and pointed in the right direction.

I guess that is all i have to say right now. If you are still reading, I want to thank you so much for taking a look into my head, heart, soul, whatever.. into me, I guess. I hope you will understand me a bit more.

²³ Peace to the brothers, and love with faith from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. ²⁴ Grace to all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with an undying love.

-Ephesians 6:23&24

Great and Effective Doors

I Corinthians 16: 5-9 "⁵ After I go through Macedonia, I will come to you—for I will be going through Macedonia. ⁶ Perhaps I will stay with you for a while, or even spend the winter, so that you can help me on my journey, wherever I go. ⁷ For I do not want to see you now and make only a passing visit; I hope to spend some time with you, if the Lord permits. ⁸ But I will stay on at Ephesus until Pentecost, ⁹ because a great door for effective work has opened to me, and there are many who oppose me."

Paul wanted to visit the Church of Corinth sooner, but he saw a great and effective door that he had to attend to. He actually doesn't come and stay with them, if you read 2 Corinthians you will find out he couldn't because he was busy with his "great and effective door". So what does that mean? What exactly is a great and effective door?

A great and effective door in your life is an opportunity that comes up that coincides with your calling. So, Paul's calling was to spread the gospel to the Gentiles. It was not his calling to build up and disciple churches, although he did some of that too, his main objective was to spread the gospel to unbelieving Gentiles. So Paul's great and effective door would be giving him the opportunity to do just that. He could have stayed with the Church he developed in Corinth, and helped them grow. But he would much rather do what he was better at and what God wired him for.

To discover what a wide and effective door is in your own life, you need to know what your calling is. I spent many years at church, signing up for every class, every ministry, every trip, and whatever I could get my hands on. I had no idea where God was calling me and I was going in every single direction possible. But as I grew and matured, I began to slowly discover what my calling was, so I dropped some things in ministry and focused on others.

I still don't feel like I have a very clear direction. That is something that I am really digging to find. I have a mission statement, but I am still not sure it is totally accurate. I want God to be the one giving me my calling rather than me just giving myself one. A wide and effective door doesn't happen very easily if God isn't holding it open.

If you know me, you probably know my struggle with what is next in life. I have made plenty of plans, but instead of wide and effective doors there have been closed vaults. I know God has a plan for me, but I have been so lost and I have no idea where the path starts or which direction it goes.

Based on my current mission statement; The purpose of Emily Troe is to prayerfully and lovingly use my creative gifts and talents to convey the gospel of Jesus Christ the those who have rejected or been rejected by the church, I have seen a few wide and effective doors. One of them being my church. My church is a very arts based church, and those are the "creative gifts and talents" that I was referring to. Another wide and effective door is some of the people that I have gotten to know. I have a wide base of people who reject church or that the church has rejected that I have the opportunity to share Christ with.

But beyond that, I am stuck. Should I go to school next year, or not? Should I go to discipleship school? Should I go to an arts school? Should I go travel to another country and preach the gospel? Should I go back home and do ministry at my own church? Should I find a man, marry him and start popping out babies? Okay I hope that last one can wait a little bit...

There are so many options that i have available for me. And the doors all seem about the same width and the effectiveness varies depending on what I am going to be doing after. I just feel so directionless. I am tempted to write down all my ideas, put them in a hat and whichever one I pull out I would do. But I just don't know how wise of a decision that would be.

I suppose I should just look at what gifts God has given me and sort those out. Well I just took a spiritual gifts test and here are my results:

Score	Graph of Score	Spiritual Gift	Statement / Response
25	==========================	Hospitality	13 = 5	41 = 5	69 = 5	97 = 5	125 = 5
23	========================	Music	20 = 5	48 = 5	76 = 3	104 = 5	132 = 5
21	======================	Encouragement	6 = 3	34 = 5	62 = 3	90 = 5	118 = 5
19	====================	Pastoring	21 = 5	49 = 3	77 = 5	105 = 3	133 = 3
19	====================	Faith	9 = 5	37 = 5	65 = 3	93 = 5	121 = 1
19	====================	Exhortation	8 = 3	36 = 3	64 = 3	92 = 5	120 = 5
19	====================	Missionary	19 = 3	47 = 5	75 = 3	103 = 5	131 = 3
19	====================	Poverty	22 = 3	50 = 5	78 = 5	106 = 3	134 = 3
17	==================	Wisdom	27 = 1	55 = 3	83 = 5	111 = 3	139 = 5
15	================	Leadership	16 = 3	44 = 3	72 = 1	100 = 3	128 = 5
15	================	Apostle	2 = 3	30 = 3	58 = 5	86 = 3	114 = 1
15	================	Administration	1 = 5	29 = 3	57 = 1	85 = 3	113 = 3
15	================	Discernment	5 = 3	33 = 3	61 = 3	89 = 3	117 = 3
13	==============	Teaching	24 = 3	52 = 3	80 = 1	108 = 3	136 = 3
13	==============	Writing	28 = 3	56 = 1	84 = 3	112 = 3	140 = 3
13	==============	Mercy	17 = 5	45 = 1	73 = 3	101 = 1	129 = 3
11	============	Intercession	14 = 1	42 = 1	70 = 3	98 = 3	126 = 3
11	============	Craftsmanship	4 = 5	32 = 1	60 = 1	88 = 3	116 = 1
11	============	Evangelism	7 = 3	35 = 1	63 = 1	91 = 3	119 = 3
11	============	Celibacy	3 = 1	31 = 3	59 = 3	87 = 3	115 = 1
11	============	Giving	10 = 1	38 = 3	66 = 3	94 = 3	122 = 1
9	==========	Prophecy	23 = 1	51 = 1	79 = 3	107 = 3	135 = 1
9	==========	Knowledge	15 = 3	43 = 3	71 = 1	99 = 1	127 = 1
9	==========	Helps	12 = 1	40 = 1	68 = 1	96 = 1	124 = 5
8	=========	Miracles	18 = 5	46 = 1	74 = 0	102 = 1	130 = 1
2	===	Healing	11 = 1	39 = 0	67 = 1	95 = 0	123 = 0
1	==	TonguesSpeaking	26 = 1	54 = 0	82 = 0	110 = 0	138 = 0
0	=	TonguesInterpreting	25 = 0	53 = 0	81 = 0	109 = 0	137 = 0

All right, well it was near what I expected. Hospitality is number one, I didn't know music was a spiritual gift, but okay cool. And number three is encouragement. I love how I have I tie of 5 for number 4 and all of them work together really nicely. There is Pastoring, Missionary, Poverty, Faith, and Exhortation. I have really wanted to be a missionary for a long time. I don't know if I would be a missionary for my whole life, but I do want to do it for some time of my life. And the fact that those 5 gifts are so needed as a missionary is really cool.

So this thought process is going to be a lot longer than this blog, but all I can say now it, thank the Lord that celibacy is low on the list!

holier than thou

So I was up this morning chatting with my mom and dad about several things and one thing that we touched on was the way some people act like they are too knowledgeable to get taught by someone else. I admit that I have often felt this way and have had to fight that feeling off during teachings. Sometimes when I have all ready decided in my head that I can't learn anything from somebody, I just wait for them to say something wrong so that I can discredit everything they say.

It hurts me to see that I have treated some people that way, when they were godly people just trying to convey a message of Christ. But the enemy is very cunning. He knows how to get in our heads and screw with our minds. If he can't make us disown Christ, he makes us feel holier than we are so that he can get us to stop listening to Christian leaders.

How does this start? What puts it in our heads that we are so much better than other people? I think that I have often been taught that the Christian community today has been very screwed up, and we have lost the fire of the early church. And I think when I hear a speaker that is not giving me a message about being super radical that I write them off as people that are stifling the passion and the power of the Holy Spirit. I clearly see the error in this judgement. There is no need to tell me, but that's how my mind tends to operate.

What I need is some rewiring. I need to recognize that people put into leadership are usually there for a good reason and they have godly hearts and want to give us something, not take anything. I will never stop taking the things I hear and weighing things against the Bible. It is still important to make sure things are biblical and accurate. If you believe everything that you hear, it will create some conflicts.

There is so much that people have to offer. And when we close our minds to that we tend to miss out on all kinds of cool stuff. As long as we make sure to put everything we hear through our truth filter (aka the Bible) then we should be good.

I really have nothing more to say on this subject. But this blog is super short. So, forgive me. I will try to think longer thoughts tomorrow.

Going Home

I have never been one to love home. I mean, yes, I love my family and my friends. But home was that place where I sat around waiting for the next exciting trip or adventure. People would always complain about being home sick and I never felt that. Even moving out was not hard for me. It was hard to leave my little brothers, but I was so excited for a new journey.

But suddenly i have started missing home. Not enough to move back, by any means, but I miss seeing my friends every day and hearing my baby brother say ridiculous things and hanging out with my other little brother. Finally today I get to go home. I won't get to stay for very long, but it is worth it to just be with the people I love for a moment.

The most exciting thing is that my friends don't know that I am coming yet. I am going to go watch some as they sing solos for a high school solo and ensemble contest, and they have no idea I will be there. I am excited to see their faces! I just hope they don't plan on reading this before I get there... but I am pretty sure that won't happen.

You know what I love about going home. I can walk through the door, throw my stuff on the floor, flop on the couch, and I feel so loved. My parents will make me tell them everything that has been going on, and they will ask me about my plans. My little brother will run up and jump on me showing me all of the new stuff that he has gotten. My other little brother will grab his guitar and show me a song that he has been working on. My friends will burst through the door and tackle me and do heaven knows what! I just can sit back and feel love. It was not always like this at home, because when I lived there full time people always knew what was going on with my life and they would see me all the time. But now, they don't get to see what I do all the time and they want to know.

The idea of home makes me so excited for heaven. I imagine that when I get there it will be that feeling of that love being poured out. I will finally get to be with God. I can't even begin to speculate what I will do! I doubt...

Interruption: You may have noticed that this is a day late. At this point of my writing, my mom called me and said that she was here. I had to quickly pull my stuff together and go. So of course I left my blog where it was. Didn't even finish my sentence (and honestly I don't remember where my mind was going with that). Then I was busy seeing my friends sing and stuff and as soon as I got home I played with my little bro until he went to bed, then i went to my friend's house and had an amazing time with my friends. I was a wack job, playing crazy games and such. It was fun. So anyway, it is now midnight and I figure that I better finish this blog so I can start fresh in the morning.

So I was just bringing up the point of heaven being our home. This earth is just a place we are living at the moment. And going home is going to feel amazing. The feelings that stirred up in me tonight were great! To have my little brother run up to me and ask me all sorts of questions with his big brown eyes, and to laugh and joke with my friends in a way that others just don't understand (they don't understand half the time either, but they expect it).

When I was playing games with my friends, I kept laughing uncontrollably and making a pretty big fool out of myself. And one of my friends just looks at me and asks what my problem is tonight. I told him that i missed home. These were the people that I loved the most and my emotions were running so high. I haven't had that much fun losing a game in my life. They don't really understand, and maybe they never will, but I just love them.

So if going to heaven is like that feeling but even more supernatural, that is gonna be awesome!!! There are no drugs that can get you that high. (Sorry, there were several drug references made tonight, and i am not sure why) Well, I really need to get to bed so I can get up for Church tomorrow! God, thank you so much for allowing me to live life with these incredible people. And please continue to litter my path with awesome people that I can continue to worship you with!

We Need Each Other

What to write about today... My lack of sleep made it extremely difficult to get out of bed this morning, especially because I have been getting so much sleep every night. But here I am, ready and willing to focus on my creator. Today I kinda want to talk about friends, and spiritual community.

I don't know what I would do without my friends. There have been times in my life when I have felt very distant from friends, and they have been some of the lowest points in my life. God created us to be in community, not only community with others, but community with him. I feel that Christian relationships are so much stronger, because Christ is the binding cord for us.

It seems funny to me that Jesus would have a best friend, because he was... God. But it is made quite clear that John was his "best friend". Jesus told him things and showed him things that he didn't tell other people. And because Jesus had a tight circle of friends, he showed me that it was okay to have that. A part of me has always kind of felt bad for having a few select really close friends. But Jesus did. It has been hard for me to find a balance of what I tell anyone and what I should only save for my close friends. I have made the mistake several times of telling people about issues in my life or things that I am dealing with and it has not been the best decision. When the person doesn't know the way my mind works or about my past they can misread what a say or they will just look on me with judgement.

But my close friends have been with me long enough to know what I have struggled with in the past and the way my heart and mind perceive things. They will also keep me accountable for the things I do and always make sure I am in step with the Lord.

The hardest thing about moving, was losing my spiritual community. The first thing I wanted to do was seek out a new one, because without those friends being a part of my support structure I felt very lonely and vulnerable. It wasn't that long ago that I started to find that and begin to work on relationships. It is especially hard, when the other people know each other and you are trying to work your way in.

I have been so thankful that God sent me people. There isn't any bonds like I have with people at home, but that could change, unless I have more moving around to do. I don't know how long I plan on staying here, I don't know where I am going next. But I do know that God has something in mind for me. I wish I knew what it was so that I could plan accordingly, but I know that he likes surprises. My prayer is that although I may go around from place to place, he will always provide me with spiritual community.

Part of the reason I hope to go to discipleship school is because of the friendships that get formed. Like I said earlier, growing in Christ together really strengthens relationships.

The reason that long term missions has been something that I have wanted to do for awhile is because it is all about developing relationships with the people of that country. And it becomes an amazing thing to see God using those relationships to bring Glory to himself.

Our God is a mighty and a powerful God, but he is also a relational God. He wants to be our best friend and our lover. He wants to be the one we think about straight out of bed and throughout the day.

And now I have to drag my tired body to work, and there is no way I will be able to do it without God's strength, so I am pretty lucky to have that at my disposal. Love you Jesus.

the mind's eye

I have known so many people who have heard God strongly through dreams and visions. They get vivid pictures in their mind's eye and they hear God's voice. I have always longed to have a dream or vision like that. I have asked God again and again if he would reveal himself to me in that way. And I have had a vision, but in it, nothing supernatural happened and I did not hear God's voice. I am thankful that God gave me the vision he did, but I often question why I can't experience him like some other people have. Am I not seeking him enough? What am I lacking?

I know that I shouldn't question God and his reasons for not revealing himself to me like that, but I always think that it is my fault. I will try to just lay on the floor and meditate on Christ and let him speak, but I get so mad when I feel like he isn't trying. I have begun to see that my relationship with Christ is different than other people. I just can't quite put my finger on how. And I am not sure if it is something that I need to work on, or if God just decided to do things a little different with me, because I have a different mind and heart.

The one vision that God gave me was about a year ago. I was just sitting on my couch, thinking about nothing much when suddenly people started to appear in the room around me. I often have people over for movie nights or game nights, and it looked very similar to this. People were laughing and having a good time. Then one of my friends, that I had just gotten to know a little bit at the time of the vision, got up with a hurting look in his eye and went into the other room. As I went into the other room I saw him pulling out a syringe to inject drugs into his arm. I was shocked and scared, but I went closer to him. He saw me, but the tears were flowing down his face, and he did not try to hide or push me away. I sat down close to him and he leaned into my lap and I flung my arms around him and began to pray. It was the sort of prayer that could not be said with so many words, but I felt the spirit speaking for me with groans (Romans 8:26). As I sat there praying, tears were flowing down my face and when I opened my eyes again I was alone. But I had walked into the other room and was sitting on that couch.

After this happened I asked God what it was all about. Was it a revelation about what was going on in this guys life? Or was God showing me the kind of people he wanted me to minister to? Was it just so that God would get my attention and was trying to get me to be aware of the situations of the people around me? I still don't exactly know, but I assumed that it was all 3 of these options. I immediately texted the guy to ask him if he was all right. He was confused by my sudden concern, but seemed to be fine. Then I rewrote my mission statement. I have always tried to figure out where God wanted to use me, because I want to go everywhere and do everything, but I need to figure out God's specific calling so that my ministry is not spread so far that it is too shallow. My mission statement became this; The purpose of Emily Troe is to prayerfully and lovingly use my creative gifts and abilities to convey the gospel of Jesus Christ to those who have rejected or been rejected by the church.

That may seem unrelated to the vision, but the part of my mission statement that changed was the people I was serving. I have always had a heart for the drug users, the prostitutes, the people who the church tends to look down on. And this vision made me realize how much I had a heart for the people who were such outcasts from the church. As I continue on with my ministry, I see some things I want to change in my mission statement, but right now I am not focusing on that.

One other time that I know for sure that God spoke to me was on a mission trip in San Diego. We were all in our sleeping bags ready for bed, when I looked over and saw one of my best friends with her face in her hands crying. Her Bible was in front laying out in front of her and I didn't think much of it, because I thought God was speaking to her heart through the Bible. Then as I am laying there I hear God tell me to go hold her. I refused, I said, "no, if I was crying, I would just want everyone to leave me alone. Plus, there are a ton of girls here that are the comforting ones, I don't really do that." So I pushed that away and closed my eyes again, but God again told me to go and hold her. I just tried to get it out of my head, and I peeked to see if anyone else was going to her. They weren't. And one last time God says, "Emily! Go hold that girl!" It was a little more stern, but I reluctantly unzipped my sleeping bag and went over to her. I don't know why I sat the way i did, but I sat to the side of her, but faced her, and used my legs as a base and I wrapped my arms around her to hold her. She continued to cry for awhile, and I contented myself with sitting there and saying nothing. Soon after, she sniffed and looked at me. She told me that God was giving her an extremely vivid vision. She was getting spoken to by God, and she told him that she was too weak, and she needed somebody to hold her up, and at that moment I came over to her.

WOW! I was so shocked. I was so thankful that God used me like that, even though I didn't want to at the time. Ever since then, I wanted the kind of vision that she had. But I feel bad wanting that. God chose me to support her, but I questioned why i couldn't be the one that he showed himself to like that. But maybe I am just not as much of a visual person as some people are.

I always thought I was, but during an exercise that we did at church the other day, I am not so sure. What she did was describe a landscape, or a picture and told us to see it in our minds eye, then the picture showed up on the screen. And she said that although we saw something of the sort with the words, we saw more with the actual picture. But I disagreed. When I saw the picture, I was let down. In my head it was much more vivid and lush and realistic, but the picture was just flat. So is that it? God has provided me with such a bright imagination that words can speak to me stronger than they can to other people?

That's why I love reading books like the Chronicles of Narnia. The world that he describes is so vivid and complex and there are so many fascinating creatures and scenes that my imagination just gets to play in that world. I have never understood people's dread for reading, because it has always been so intriguing for my mind.

But I don't know if that is the reason I do not see visions like other people do. How am I supposed to put into print the way God works, and the way he decides to speak to people. I guess I just have to look at every aspect of my life closely and see where God is speaking to me, since he may not speak to me as clearly as I might like.

Well thank you for reading about my thoughts this morning. I think today is my completion of one week of blogging every morning. And I hope that I can continue even when I have to be at work early.